Pressure

Pressure is one of the things that for me can trigger back pain. 

Often people talk about the fact that they slept wrong, or they bent over to pick up something and their back went out.  Or they rode their bike too far, or lifted too many things, or played tennis, or rode a horse, or did a certain yoga pose, or, or, or…

I always wonder why people don’t think about what is stressing them as the cause for their pain.  Dr. Sarno said that humans did not evolve over millions of years to have fragile spines.  It’s not possible to sleep wrong.  Bending over to pick up your car keys is not dangerous for your spine.

But stress, pressure, fear, anxiety and anger are all things that can trigger pain.

I have felt a lot of pressure this past year, as I’m sure a lot of people did because of the pandemic. 

My pressures may not be as bad as others, but I still feel pressure.  Everyone experiences pressure differently.

Years before the pandemic, I remember several students who would go away for the winter, would ask me if I could do video classes and I always said no.  I didn’t know how.  It was too overwhelming. And, I don’t like the way I look or sound on video! 

Then, my job changed dramatically. Last March I felt the pressure to get my online classes up and running. I had to get over all of those obstacles.  I still don’t like the way I look or sound on video, but I have learned the technology. 

Another pressure I feel about teaching online is that I have to practice with my classes, to perform the postures.  As a yoga teacher I never liked that.  Practice and teaching are two different mindsets. Practicing with my classes never felt like teaching to me. I call it playing “Simon says”.  I also don’t like practicing with my students because I may not always feel like doing a vigorous practice, but I am obliged to teach what my students are expecting of me.  As a student, if you don’t feel like going to class on a particular day, you just don’t go, but as the teacher I never had that luxury.  I always had to show up and perform. 

Plus, there were days that I struggled with back pain and couldn’t do certain movements.  Pain has ended many a yoga teacher’s career.  But I didn’t want that to happen.

Even before the pandemic I had been struggling with pain that started when my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimers back in the early 2000’s.  It continued through her illness and really came to a head after she died.  Often for people with TMS, it can work this way.  You cope and do what you need to do and when the crisis is over you fall apart. 

I kept teaching yoga.  It was my lifeline, it gave me purpose and meaning, plus I had a great community that supported me through this crisis.

But, on some days I couldn’t do certain movements.  I loved back bending, but it seemed that back bending could trigger a spasm of pain.  Once that happened, I wouldn’t be able to bend forward at all and not just in a yoga pose, but in something as basic as sitting or getting into my car.  I became conditioned to the fact that back bending caused pain, so I avoided it. 

It didn’t matter when I was teaching in-person, because I didn’t have to do the poses. I could get one of my students to demonstrate a posture.  But once I started teaching over zoom, it became a challenge.  People needed to see me because they couldn’t see their classmates. Because I could not see most of my students on screen, I realized that they set up their screen so that they could only see me.  It was hard.  In teaching I rely on seeing and often hearing what people are doing to know if I should be helping students improve their understanding of a posture, or if they are ready to move onto the next stage.  I had (and still have to) encourage students to set up their screens so that they can see themselves.  If they can see themselves on screen, then I can see them and I have something to teach to. 

But then there are the people who turn their screens off.   I try to understand that, I really do.  But it bugs me.  I wonder what the point of coming to a live class is, if you turn your screen off?  Why not take a pre-recorded class?   Maybe their house is a mess, or they are still in their jammies, or they have to start and stop because of others in their household and they don’t want to be disturbing, or maybe they feel insecure about their postures and don’t want to be corrected.  Maybe they see that as being judged.  Maybe I’m just jealous of their ability to turn off their screen.  Maybe I should do that?  I could just be this booming voice coming out of the screen, kind of like the Wizard of Oz?   Sorry, that was just a little fantasy!  But there are days when I don’t want people to see me, or I feel like slacking off and I don’t want to be judged, either.  But I don’t have that option. 

As a yoga teacher, people judge me all the time. They like my class, they don’t like my class. I feel a certain amount of pressure to want people to like my classes. Wanting to be liked and accepted is one of those personality traits associated with back pain.

These are just the pressures relating to my profession.  I’m not really going into the other pressures in my life such as: what about my husband’s job, my son in grad school, finding toilet paper at the grocery store (thankfully that is no longer a pressure!), the stock market, politics, quarantining, testing, vaccines, …???

There are externally generated pressures and internally related pressures. Dr. Sarno said that you don’t have to get rid of these pressures.  As if you could!  In other words, surrender to the pressures you can’t control and recognize and be kind and gentle with yourself about the pressures you can control.  

Recognizing the pressure I was under and how much of it I felt responsible for was a big step for me in releasing it and letting go of the pain. 

I know I just made this process of getting out of pain sound very simple.  It was and it wasn’t. 

Pressure was just one of the layers that was causing my symptoms.  I had to work through layers of emotions as well as identifying the other personality traits that contribute to this syndrome. 

But, again, I am over 1,000 words.  I’ll pick up next time with the other contributing factors to my experience with chronic pain.